All Or Nothing

Movie nights at Jerry D’s house is always fun. I had two, maybe three beers while watching some messed up sci-fi stuff inside a living room jam-packed full of nerds and geeks. I can’t stay out late though since movie night is on a weeknight and I have to haul my ass out of bed fairly early for work the following morning. Arriving home at my scheduled time for sleep I felt slightly buzzed from those beers. Nothing incapacitating about the sensation. I let myself into the house and quietly navigated through dark rooms up a flight of stairs. At the top I turned right in the pitch black stopping just short of where I thought my door was and felt around for the handle. Giving it a twist I shoved forward, walked in and turned on the light. There was a blinking light on my answering machine.

Autumn left a message while I was out. Her voice sounded off. Listening to her talk I became angry. She was going through one of those “I don’t know what I am doing in life” episodes again. Something at that moment triggered my rage. Maybe it was a continued uncontrollable frustration with her, or perhaps the few beers I drank made me more irritable. Either way I was fed up with the ongoing un-fixable Autumn situation. Picking up the phone I dialed her number while trying to keep back the feelings of anger and hatred. She answered and I asked what was wrong.

She replied with the usual babble about not knowing how she felt about our relationship anymore, her life goals, job, blah blah blah. I had enough of that garbage.

“Allright. This is the same old routine isn’t it? Here’s what we are going to do. This weekend we are going to give each other back our house keys. We are going to pack up each other’s shit and return it. We’re through. I am tired of this dead end with you and since I can’t fix it it’s time for me to fade out and move on.”

Autumn sobbed into the phone, “Thank you.”

I didn’t reply to that. Too stupid.

Then she said, “We can still be friends.”

That really set me off. In my opinion when a relationship is ending women will frequently pull the “we can still be friends” bullshit because they don’t want to experience any feelings of wrongdoing or guilt for their actions. With the “we can still be friends” exit strategy they can bail out and go a hop, skipping, and jumping down the road like nothing happened and go fuck up somebody else’s life. That doesn’t jive at all with me. Once I am with a woman in an involved relationship for years that changes the friendship for good. It’s like being my best friend plus a whole lot more. So when all of a sudden that comes to a screeching halt I can’t go back to what it was before. It just won’t work. Besides I don’t want to meet up with her at social events or see her at mutual friends’ houses with her new guy when and if that takes place. Fuck that.

“No we can’t still be friends” I said.

Autumn was quiet for a moment. “It’s all or nothing, huh?”

“It’s all or nothing.”


~ by factorypeasant on April 20, 2008.

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