I want more of Autumn’s time. She isn’t willing to put in much effort to make that happen. Everything about our relationship is on her terms. I suppose I am hopelessly hanging on, waiting for Autumn to change. I did that with Jennifer too, the results were disastrous. I fail to learn from my past mistakes. During the week when Autumn and I are apart, I become lonely. Thinking about the situation between the two of us is entirely frustrating and it reminds me of some aspects of my relationship with Jennifer which makes me angry. That was far worse though, I lived with Jennifer for two years under the same roof and ended up experiencing long periods of time feeling lonesome. There is nothing more aggravating to me than being in a long term relationship with a woman who continuously acts distant, who relegates me to a low priority in their life. I must be nothing more than background noise to Autumn.

Autumn told me once she was grateful to Jennifer for getting rid of me. Autumn was happy to be in a serious relationship with me then. That was in the first year or two we were together. She wanted to send Jennifer a flower bouquet as a thank you for setting me free, allowing Autumn and I to eventually be together. Ironically I see a few bad similarities between Autumn and Jennifer now. The two women are more alike in some ways than I would care to admit. A major difference however is the sex. With Autumn sex is always fun, and adventurous.

Sometimes on a slow day at work I will hop on the Internet and do a little private investigation, searching for past girlfriends. Usually Autumn has done something stupid or said something insensitive to me that triggers my curiosity in the whereabouts of an old lover. I wonder what things could have been like with each ex-girlfriend if they were different. If I made completely alternate choices in certain situations or if I was treated better what would the outcome be? Would I still be with Jacinda after all these years? It’s like dwelling on the past as if I was in a science fiction movie where I could step through a doorway time-traveling backwards to a point in my life where I might do things differently and take an uncharted course from the one that lead me here today.

Jennifer is a case where if I could do things all over again I would never have gotten back together with her. She’s rotten to the core, absolutely boring in the bedroom and manipulative as hell. Sleeping with Jennifer was like lying in bed with an old two-by-four fence post. I haven’t bothered looking for Jennifer online. I figure she became a dumpy-frumpster of a housewife someplace doing little more than sitting on a couch growing extra chins, living her life through shoddy night time soap operas on television. Jennifer is a woman who most likely is someone else’s problem now, another guy is taking a hit for our team. He should be thanked for stepping up to the plate for the rest of us like that.

I search for Jacinda online every now and again. Maybe a few times a year, pushed by Autumn’s bullshit. Guilt plagues me when I think of Jacinda. I probably shouldn’t blame myself for her downward spiral after I broke up with her, but I do feel bad just the same. Infrequently I find a little piece of the mystery concerning Jacinda’s current whereabouts. The trail usually goes cold rapidly, except for this time. I found a phone number in Oregon listed to a Jacinda that fits her age and full name. Whatever little tidbit of new information I do manage to scrounge up about Jacinda, I file away. Maybe I will summon enough courage to dial that number and see if it is really her or not. There are a few things I’d like to say, things I want to get off my chest and apologize for.


~ by factorypeasant on August 4, 2007.

6 Responses to “Lonely”

  1. This is the part where, if this were a horror movie, I’d be yelling into the screen “Don’t do it! Put down the phone!” However, this time I won’t and not just since it’s a blog and not a horror movie. Call me a hopeless optimist, but I have a gut feeling that this time an old flame can be rekindled. I imagine that you are both more mature now and that she has conquered the demons that haunted her before and that you have finally found the world’s only “unbroken” woman. Also, I remember you commenting on what a babe she was fifteen years ago. With any luck, she looks twice as good now. Go for it! You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t pick up that phone and call her!

  2. I agree you WILL regret it the rest of your life!!!


  3. heh. you guys have no faith. this is going to be so cool, you know getting back together with a mentally ill ex-girlfriend after thirteen years. doesn’t everybody do that at least once in their lifetime? huh?

  4. Just keep a bottle of Zoloft close at hand and you’ll be fine.

  5. zoloft??? is that one of them really good fortified wines like Thunderbird?

  6. No, they’re different but they go together like milk and cookies. It makes the Thunderbird taste even better. I highly recommend taking both of them at the same time even if you’re not depressed. It’s even better if you don’t eat or drink anything else all day before taking it. Then driving afterwards.

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