Slip Up At The Drugstore

I can’t really be myself whenever I am with Autumn.

Autumn is one of those people who chooses to go through life being offended at the most insignificant, superficial bullshit. I don’t understand why anybody would want to live that way but whatever. Early on in our relationship I learned Autumn has an ability for turning things around in her mind that one would never have expected. I can’t joke around much with her or be my usual goofball self when we are hanging out because I have a very warped sense of humor. She will inevitably take things the wrong way, either becoming upset on the verge of tears for something politically incorrect that I said or she will instantly throw herself into a fit of anger. After getting myself into trouble with her a few times I made a conscious decision to lay low from that point forward.

In addition to being a silly jerk I also am very vocal towards stupid people when I encounter them doing retarded shit in public. People who do stupid shit need to be held accountable for their bad behavior in my opinion. That’s just the way it is. If you fuck up while I’m around, and you happen to be a mindless housewife and you happen to be harassing retail staff for no good reason, I am probably going to bust your chops for it in front of everyone. If I am with Autumn, I try to refrain from serving beat-downs to strangers because Autumn won’t be able to handle it. That’s what happened this afternoon when Autumn and I stopped in to a Long’s Drugs on the North end of Shattuck about two blocks away from where Autumn works.

Dashing inside Long’s for I don’t remember what, Autumn and I walked to the only open cash register in the lobby of the store. A high-school age Mexican girl with long black, wavy hair dressed in Long’s familiar bright green smock was patiently waiting for customers from behind her checkstand. Nobody was in line before us so I followed single file after Autumn to get rung up. No sooner had the helpful girl greeted the two of us, a nervous wide-eyed older woman rushed into line next to me. Acting jittery and with an overtly worried tone to her voice this woman questioned our checker about a child running around loose inside the store.

“No big deal,” I thought to myself. Kids do that in stores when they are little and ramped up on a sugar high. They’ll run up and down aisles practically bouncing off of them in the process. I was certain the child’s parents were probably on the next aisle over from their kid buying boxes of kleenex and picking out a bottle or two of brightly colored nail polish. The dingbat housewife was on the verge of hysteria though, she wouldn’t shut up about the youngster who was “probably lost and in need of help.” Our checkstand girl didn’t know how to handle the dingbat at all. The conversation was strange indeed, almost to the point of being creepy. I could tell from the expression on the drugstore girl’s face she could not think of anything to say that might calm this woman down or make her go away without starting a confrontation. Meanwhile Autumn and I weren’t having our shit put through the register. The scene was wasting our time.

So, I stepped in to help.

Looking at the crazed female shopper I said, “What are you freaking out about, lady? That kid’s parents are probably getting a prescription filled right now at the pharmacy. Is this checker here supposed to be a babysitter or something? Why don’t you cool it.”

The dingbat was shocked. She tried to explain the child she was concerned about might be in danger. I rolled my eyes at her paranoid crap.

“You don’t get outside much, do you? Tell you what. From now on why don’t you close your windows, lock your doors tight, and stay home. I don’t think you can handle being out here with the rest of us so do everybody a favor. Stay indoors. Okay?”

The woman was furious. Instead of countering me directly though, she did what many women do when they are backed into a corner losing an argument. They’ll shift the confrontation away from themselves by involving another female, if possible. And that’s exactly what the dingbat did. She leaned over so Autumn and the woman could make eye contact with each other and she said, “Aren’t YOU lucky to have HIM.” She thumbed with contempt in my direction.

I turned to look at Autumn. I could see the little gears whirring away in her head and I knew I was fucked. That did me in for reals. On the inside I cringed because in just the few seconds it took for that broad to run her mouth, the comment hit home with Autumn. It hit home like a ton of bricks. We paid for our stuff and left. Autumn didn’t say a single word to me as we stepped into the parking lot. She deliberately stayed about six feet ahead of me on the sidewalk for at least one city block, not wanting to let anybody know we were together. I slipped up bigtime. No way to fix it now. I’ll have to wait at least half a day until she simmers down on her own.

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~ by factorypeasant on June 23, 2007.

3 Responses to “Slip Up At The Drugstore”

  1. That’s funny: “calm this [man|woman] down [and] make [him|her] go away” pretty much sums up my entire retail career.

  2. yeah, mine too. that’s why i have a lot of sympathy for retail workers when they are being hassled or abused by dingbat housewives. the housewife crowd is always the worst in public, i think it’s partially due to the fact that many of them feel powerless and don’t have much going on to keep them busy. shopping gives them something to do and perhaps also provides a sense of control over other people. personally i’m not one of those individuals who subscribes to “the customer is always right” method of doing retail business. if i encounter customers who are behaving poorly or trying to abuse store staff i generally beat them down for it and get them out of the store. i don’t want problem customer’s money. they’re not worth the effort.

    when i was working at Rainbow Records in high school, we used to get a fair amount of bad customers in that would try to scam us by bringing back empty CD cases with a reciept claiming they bought music brand new and when they opened the box the CD was not there! yeah, sure. we got pushy obnoxious women who attempted to screw us out on video rentals, and frequent nutjobs who enjoyed terrorizing the high school aged employees. fortunately our store manager realized i was good at making bad customers go away. so, anytime i was on shift and an asshole customer needed to be shut down the rest of the crew would send ’em my way and watch the show…

  3. Heh. Rainbow Records, old school.

    I think I read somewhere that shopping stimulates the hunter-gatherer in women, whereas men, evolutionarily speaking, were more into hunting. Which is why men usually hit their target purchase and exit while women just shop and shop.

    We’re all just a bunch of animals.

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