Just Another Ruined Day

Part of my daily routine when I start each workday is to call Autumn. I like hearing her voice and I want Autumn to know I’m thinking about her. During the week I miss her. Usually I don’t have much to say other than hello and ask how her day has been going so far. Topics of conversation are rather scarce, I am not very clever coming up with random stuff to yap about. Early in my shift today when I dialed Autumn’s work to say good morning there was a long pause while I was left on hold. Eventually she picked up the line and spoke. It quickly became clear she was furious. Anger seethed out of her with every word.

Instantly nervous that I did something wrong I didn’t have a clue what to say. I stuttered out a few ‘Uhs’ and ‘Umms.’ That was the best I could do without knowing for certain what I might have done to cross Autumn and spark her bad temper. Whenever Autumn is angry like that I frequently seem to be left scrambling for words.

Autumn yelled at me.

She accused me of calling her office every morning just to annoy her. Autumn told me that I expect her to make idle conversation which she doesn’t have any time for. That was news to me. She IS busy at work, I should know this by now. Autumn slammed the phone down before I could answer in my own defense. Guilty as charged I guess.

The rest of my shift was pretty much shot after that. When I am on the job I have to be extremely detail oriented. Methodical. If I am distracted by a personal problem outside of work I can’t think properly. I will make stupid mistakes that I cannot afford to let happen. The latest generation of instrument I build and test in here retails for $178,000 per unit. A foolish error on my part could cost us dearly, just because I wasn’t able to concentrate or pay attention.

I tried numerous times to not dwell on Autumn and get to work on a few units. Each time I did so I started fouling things up. So I quit. The risk of wrecking a brand new instrument was too great.

Time slowed down to a crawl. A few hours passed. I got a lame-ass email from Autumn.

When I’m here I can’t talk. So when you call up and expect me to make the conversation I get annoyed. I am always glad to hear whatever you’ve got to say but I am not up for chatting unless I’m in a really rare moment. When I do chat not only do 5 people hear everything, but it’s actively distracting to them.

Autumn

I didn’t reply to her. Still later, I received another email from Autumn.

I was hoping to reach you by phone because I want to apologize for being bitchy. Sorry about my last email. It’s not like anything’s your fault. It is hard for me to switch gears at work, and I can’t usually talk but I do like to know you’re alive and how things are going. I am sorry I was so short.

I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something else, too- I’ve been thinking about things and I think I will take 2 or 3 weeks to myself after the camping trip to sort myself out. I don’t know myself anymore, and what I see I don’t like. I don’t travel, I don’t do art, I don’t do much at all spontaneously. I am always running behind and uptight. My money’s a mess. I don’t exercise because when I’m not at work and not with you all I want to do is hide from the world. I’m sick of my job. I’m sick of nothing ever changing- especially me. I never seem to have time for slow stuff. I’m frustrated all the time and irritable. It’s just been getting worse year after year and I don’t know what to do about it. So maybe if I take a few weeks and mellow out on my own I’ll figure it out. I’m hoping.

I just wanted you to know I’m not mad at you or anything like that. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of months now.

I am looking forward to camping out with you next week! I will put a list together tomorrow evening. I think we’ve got everything, and we can grocery shop on Saturday. I’ll have to get a new air mattress. This one does have a leak and I can’t find it- it’s too slow. Fortunately, Copeland Sports is having a sale on them and they’re pretty cheap.

Autumn

After reading that email, I decided I had enough of Autumn’s crap. Her apology was meaningless. With the exception of today’s phone call incident, the things she complains about are always the same. She doesn’t put any effort into fixing the aspects of her life that she is unhappy with. All she does is talk about it once in a while, then act distant and weird towards me. Autumn never gives me anything tangible to work with so I might be able to help her. It’s getting old. Real old. I am not going to call Autumn at work again under any circumstances unless it is a real emergency. That’s it. Why bother?

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~ by factorypeasant on January 31, 2007.

8 Responses to “Just Another Ruined Day”

  1. I think I’ve mentioned this before but I would choose my battles carefully. Your love sounds a lot like someone else in your life with serious communication issues.

  2. spared- ‘choosing your battles’ implies that one could at least win a few from time to time. with Autumn there is no winning anything. every battle will be lost, no matter how skillfully you try to get your point across. Autumn is a woman who does not listen, who has made up her mind long before an issue is discussed and your choice is to go along with what she wants or else. if your argument is sensible and you attempt to logically solve a problem with her she will just come back on you with abstract bullshit. the end result is always the same.

  3. You assume that my comment includes battles you engage with her. Most battles are the ones we choose to fight with ourselves. I have a feeling you have been fighting the feeling of telling her to fuck off way too long. You should give in, and see what happens. She needs to know that you aren’t a doormat.

  4. spared- damn. what are you a mind reading vulcan or sumpthin’? yeah, i wanted to do exactly that SO many times. i always reasoned the problems in our relationship were my fault. i was the one who couldn’t understand things. in reality Autumn kept putting me in shitty fucked up situations and circumstances nobody should have to go through. i loved her and i hung in with her waiting for Autumn to snap out of it. she never did. it was the same thing like when i was with jennifer all over again in some ways- just a different woman. in both cases i waited for far too long at the expense of my own emotions and sanity.

    thanks to women like jennifer and Autumn i don’t waste my time on headcases like them any more. at the first sign of female instability or weirdness i’m gone. i’m not fuckin’ around anymore as i’ve already wasted too much of my life on junk like them.

  5. And yet… you are still with Autumn… are you waiting for an invitation to dump her?

  6. spared- i’m sorry. i thought i explained this to you before but i guess you missed it. i know i’ve mentioned it in many previous comments here. readers have been somewhat confused from time to time in the past. i tried to make it more obvious when i wrote the ‘so what’s bill and dave are dead all about anyway?’ page in the upper right hand portion of the screen. i don’t think anyone has checked it out…

    Bill and Dave Are Dead covers my life experiences from 1991 to present. this isn’t caught up to 2007 yet. right now what you are reading took place in summer 2004.

    Autumn pushed me too far, at my wits end with her one wednesday night in October 2004 i called it quits. that story is coming up soon.

    my relationship with Autumn ended at that time and our friendship was destroyed. i have had no contact with her since then. i will have nothing to do with Autumn ever again.

  7. Ahh… well that explains that… so sorry dear FP.

    For future notice though, before I begin to read a book, I always read the last 10 pages. So, knowing is a good thing. Glad you made the right choice.

  8. spared- thanks. that was a rough time. shit put me in the emergency room cause i thought i was having a heart attack.

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