No Corpse, No Crime

Tomorrow morning is Miss Auschwitz deadline for bringing the Ergo Lift into Button Up.

After conspiring together with Big Dog and gaining The Bossman’s blessing, I put my scheme into motion. Staying extra late at work I patiently waited until everyone had left to go home for the night. It was necessary to be absolutely sure no one was still in the building because there couldn’t be a single witness. The first thing I did was go on patrol through other production areas looking for nite owl stragglers. When I satisfied myself that I was the only employee on our floor of the building, I began scouting around for a suitable location outside. Anticipating it might take a while before discovering a sneaky spot to ditch the Ergo Lift I took my time walking around the perimeter of Buildings two and three all the while laughing to myself. The following morning was going to be pretty damn funny if this plan worked as intended.

A basketball court separates Building two lower from the top floor of Building three. On our side of the court there is a large second floor overhang protecting a wide variety of metal office furniture like tall filing cabinets and book shelves. None of them had been used in a while, probably due to their former owners being laid off. Standing on the basketball court in front of a dozen book shelves neatly placed atop wooden pallets I stared at them for a few minutes. Then I had an idea.

It was perfect.

I went back inside and grabbed a pallet jack. Planting it underneath the Ergo Lift, I hoisted it up a few inches off the floor and began hauling that useless hunk of shit outside towards the basketball court. Rolling it in front of the mothballed office furniture collection I let it drop to the ground and yanked the pallet jack free. One after another I proceeded to haul pallets clear out of the storage area temporarily dropping them on the court. When I had opened up a deep, wide enough space to accommodate the Ergo Lift I slammed my pallet jack under it and pushed towards storage. Backing the Lift all the way against Building two’s wall, I planted that worthless beast. Then I surrounded it with filing cabinets and strategically placed a wall of bookshelves directly in front of the whole mess. Breaking a sweat on my forehead from lugging junk around I stepped backwards a few feet to survey my work. The Ergo Lift was completely buried. No one would find it any time soon that was certain.

Entering Building two with pallet jack in tow I felt giddy like a little boy walking down the sidewalk with a brand new Radio Flyer wagon trailing right behind my feet. Mad scientist laughter echoed through the hallways. I decided to walk a different route back to Button Up through the building. I’m glad I did, too. As I was passing the scene of the crime from inside I glanced over and happened to notice through a window that the Ergo Lift was clearly visible. Outside on the basketball court nobody would spot it, but from inside you could see plain as day the stupid thing lying sideways on it’s pallet. Fuck. Now what the hell was I going to do?

Scrounging around for something large enough that would conceal an eight foot tall mechanical corpse from prying eyeballs I headed for Shipping and Receiving. Nothing useful jumped out at me. As I was about to give up and move on I saw a huge blue plastic tarp. Awesome. I swiped it and practically ran out towards the basketball court with it under my arm. It’s a good thing I’m skinny because I had left such a small amount of space between those pallets filled with cubicle furniture I could barely squeak in to place the tarp. Carefully unfolding it I made sure to spread the tarp out over the whole Ergo Lift completely covering it. Then I went back inside and double checked on my concealment effort through the windows.

The only thing I saw was a big blue nondescript heap of crap encircled by more crap. Heh.


~ by factorypeasant on November 27, 2006.

One Response to “No Corpse, No Crime”

  1. so that is where my ergolift dissapeared to. I have been looking for it for a long time. i need it so i can use it as a love platform for my bee-ach. if it does not tipover it should make a good perch for my overweight,sweaty,hairy,stinky love doll!!!!

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