Religious Pests

So I’m sitting at home minding my business, drinking a bottle of Red Hook ESB and listening to The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Fish sticks were sizzling in the oven. Outside, it’s a bright sunny day. Calm and cool. Not a single cloud in the sky to be seen. Everything was well with the world.

Then the phone rang.

Expecting a call from Senor 23 I reached for the receiver, but thinking twice I glanced over at my caller ID box. A local number that I didn’t recognize was displayed from a person named Pat. I don’t know anybody named Pat. Figuring it wasn’t a telemarketer, bill collector or other annoying asshat I answered the call. I was wrong.

“Hello. I’m calling my neighbors in the area today to ask for their help with volunteer work. Working with at-risk children. Would you be interested in helping?”

Actually, I had been looking for an opportunity to volunteer somewhere. I was hoping to help kids in schools with writing skills or something of that nature. Especially trying to help kids that were on the verge of dropping out. Unlike Autumn who was volunteering at a maximum security prison teaching total fuckups how to add and subtract I wanted to catch people BEFORE they ended up in prison. Help get them back on the right path BEFORE they became society’s throw aways. So I was interested in this stranger’s question.

I said, “Yeah I’ve been searching for a good volunteer opportunity in the county but nothing suitable has come up. What have you got in mind, mister?”

“Well, I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses over on Sonoma Avenue and…”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up there guy. What’s the JW’s got to do with it?”

“Have you heard of us before?”

“Yeah. You guys and the Mormons are the two worst religious organizations for being nationwide pests. Proselytizing. Always showing up on my doorstep telling me how great your religion is. I don’t believe you should be doing that. It’s a crime. Also, I feel people are better off finding religion on their own. If that’s what they require in life they can seek it out. It should not be foisted upon them via their front porches.”

“We feel that God has spoken to us and that this is our mission in life to share our message. Through his Word there is the power to save mankind from tribulation… the end times.”

“No. God hasn’t spoken to you guys. You’re making all that stuff up just like the Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists. God hasn’t told you to do any of that. And I know what you’re talking about with regard to Revelations. You are probably trying to use the current conflict in the Middle East as a sign that the end times are upon us. It’s a scare tactic. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard that one since I was a kid. The end times are not upon us. Doomsday is not lurking right around the corner waiting to jump out and get us.”

“Have you had bad experiences with organized religion, sir?”

“Yes I have. I don’t know how long you’ve been in town here Pat but I used to go to Christian Life Center which was up on the North end. We lost everything, the school, our church, everything. It was all because our pastor was taking church donations and illegally spending it on whatever he wanted. Private real estate, among other things. From my personal experiences in life I have observed Christians are the biggest hypocrites on the face of the planet. I refuse to have anything to do with their religion anymore. They continue to claim to be moral while all I see them do is beat their kids, cheat on their spouses, lie to friends, and steal from their employers. But that’s okay because all you have to do is say you’re sorry to a dead guy on a stick and then you can go right back out and commit more crimes. No thanks, man. That ain’t for me. The rest of the time I observe Christians exerting massive amounts of effort focused on non-important external influences like music and films. To be a good Christian you have to stay away from certain books, movies, and records you know. That’s stupid. What matters is what is on the inside of each individual. What kind of a person are you really? How do you treat other people? Are you honest? Are you kind to others? These are some of the things that are truly important and they miss that point consistently.”

“I wasn’t aware of Christian Life Center. I’ve only been living here for the past three years. Don’t you think that through the word of God there is the power to stop wars? Through him there will be no more Tsunamis…”

“Okay. I want you to stop for a moment and consider the comment you just made. Stop tsunamis? That’s just mentally ill. And stop wars? You obviously haven’t been paying attention to much history have you? Most of humankind’s suffering through conflict has been directly caused by religion. Each group is always saying ‘we have all the answers’ meanwhile pointing the finger at every other rival religion saying ‘they’re wrong and they will surely burn in hell’ or whatever. The fact is none of you doofuses know what’s up and none of you have all the answers. As soon as people finally come to the conclusion that religion is more of a problem instead of a solution I think we will finally have worldwide peace. Everyone will be better off without it.”

The line was silent. So I kept going.

“And why are you hiding on the other end of a phone today being a pest? It’s a gorgeous day outside. Instead of doing this junk you could have been out there working with kids, volunteering to take them to the park or something. You could have been volunteering at the library or cleaning up trash from a creekside. I mean, you could make more of a direct impact helping out society as an individual rather than doing it as part of a religious organization. Besides, I’m always suspect of organized religions working for charitable purposes because I don’t think you’re serious about it. In my opinion, the only reason why Jehovas Witnesses, Christians of various denominations, and those damned Mormons do altruistic work in the community is just to bring attention to yourselves and your brand of faith. It’s not genuine.”

“I’m not talking about band-aid solutions for society’s problems.”

“Whatever. I-”

Pat interrupted by telling me to have a good day and then he abruptly hung up. Typical. As soon as the person they happen to be debating against starts to actually make them think a teeny bit they freak out and run for cover. It won’t matter one way or the other what I said to him, but I hope that guy considers my points and maybe, just maybe loses some sleep over it.

~ by factorypeasant on August 6, 2006.

10 Responses to “Religious Pests”

  1. sounds like he ran away like a roach from the raid can… gj
    mebbbe he shoulda prayed his way into your head

    lets keep them away from our doors!!!!

  2. nice
    i never manage to be that articulate when i’m trying to do that sort of crap

    i always just get us both yelling or some crap like that

  3. Awesome.

    I just sat through a super-annoying JW wedding for my lovely niece yesterday. Oh the idiocy. It was so fucking tedious.

    No h in exherting.

  4. yay! we had a toni sighting.
    now i can feel good about myself again. its soooo nice to know that
    toni is weaker than me. toni, will
    you sell your hummer and donate the
    proceeds to help me get a liver transplant. sherri j. i also ask for your help. can you turn trix tohelp pay for our rent. mommie cant *work* anymore.

    blessing to you both,


  5. sorry for the off topic post folkes but boomer we have a problem. skeez is back and he’s onto us. he’s figured out that you told me to do some of the anti-tony posts. its back in the arkives so i think their not looking up here yet. we still have time but not much. i need some guidance boss and quick! what do you want me to do? e-mail me at the emergency contact. no need to post names. if we act quick we can keep fooling them.

    your loyal servant

    p.s. factory peasant, for the love of god delete this post imediately after you get the word that boomer’s seen this! we need to get it off the blog before tony and skeez are the wiser.

  6. yes, lets *trick* tony,

    tranny trix him that is ……

  7. immature granny- w0rd up.

    sass- yeah i know what you mean. i grew up forced into private christian schools so i’ve got years worth of their indoctrination still rolling around in my noggin so when these guys act up it’s easy to beat them at their own game. most of them are totally inept bible scholars. they know little about the religion(s) they profess to believe in and even less about their history. i actually enjoy messing with them…

    Wad- thanks. -h coming rite up.

  8. jim jones mufuckas!

    now THERE was a man ‘o GOD!!!

    “drink the cyanide kool-aid or my
    bodyguards will shoot you!”!!!!!

  9. even Superman hates Jesus.

  10. Helloooo,

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