Hen Pecked

I feel pretty bad for Mr. McConvict. His wife is mean. She continues to call incessantly through the night hassling that poor guy. Mrs. McConvict is increasingly rude to me whenever I answer the phone and she’s on the other end of the line. From what I can make of the conversations by overhearing his side of the phone call his wife seems incapable of making the simplest of decisions around their house. It’s like she has to have his direction or opinion before doing anything. I don’t get it.

Messing around with Mr. McConvict a little bit the other night I asked him about his situation at home. He said he lives with his wife, his mother in law, and his two daughters. Damn. He’s outnumbered and surrounded by the women. I asked, “Don’t you have a garage or a basement you can hide in to get away from them?”
“When I’m in the garage they’ll just follow me out there.”
Joking around with him I said, “Maybe when you’re wife is nagging on you, you should punch her dude.”
Without even thinking about it Mr. McConvict instantly responded, “They’d take away my guns.”
Somehow I got the feeling that thought had crossed his mind before. Seriously.
“How about next time you get in your car, you take off your wrist watch, throw it on the front lawn, and drive off into the sunset never looking back in your rear view mirror?”
Chewing on his toothpick he replied, “I’d miss my daughters too much.”
Wow. Mr. McConvict had given these ideas careful thought. I was just trying to lighten up the mood by being silly after he came back from a particularly bad phone call with his wife, but it was too close to the truth I suppose. I decided to shut the fuck up.

Hours later I was sitting at my desk when my phone extension rang. It was late at night. Autumn would already have been asleep for a long time by then so I figured it must have been a pal in another department or something. When I picked up the phone my ears stung. It was Mrs. McConvict calling yet again. Ugh. Grudgingly, I went looking for him but by the time I got back to my phone she had hung up on me. Bitch. A minute later Greasy Guy’s phone started ringing. I swiveled around in my chair and scooted over to pick it up. Impersonating Greasy Guy’s voice as best as I could, I said hello. It was Mrs. McConvict. I yelled at her “Hey dammit these aren’t Mr. McConvict’s private phone lines here…” She hung up on me again. Now I was really fucking steamed.

A nearby phone extension located at one of the instrument assembly lines began ringing. I had a pretty good idea who was making that call. I jumped up from my chair and ran over to answer it. Nobody was around which ensured I could get the call. I picked up the receiver and waited a moment. Then I said “Listen up you jerk! We aren’t your husband’s personal answering service…” The line went dead. That little phone whore. She must have written down every phone extension in the department. Anticipating Mrs. McConvict would try again I ran down the aisleway to the next phone station. Out of breath and completely pissed off I came to a stop in front of Shoelaces and a few other employees. They were clustered around each other involved in conversation when I announced “If that phone starts ringing NOBODY touches it! That bitch is MINE!”

Shoelaces laughed. He was like, “What are you talking about?” So I explained the situation to him and the others. He laughed some more. I was so angry I wanted to reach through the phone line and strangle Mrs. McConvict. Nobody pulls that shit on me and just hangs up repeatedly. I was gonna give her a beat down. I stood there and waited for a while. Shoelaces glanced over a few times and shook his head at me. After fifteen minutes of hovering over the phone with no call, I gave up. Mrs. McConvict didn’t call again for the rest of the night. I was disappointed I didn’t get to yell at her.

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~ by factorypeasant on July 7, 2006.

2 Responses to “Hen Pecked”

  1. It’s the husbands job to yell at his wife. You by taking maters into your own hands have become a surogate husband for the poor woman. Unfortunatly i beleive this leagaly obligates you to beat her well and to eventualy give her half. Sorry bro but yer maried now. Congrats!!!

    D-T

  2. That’s so sweet. I wonder if I’ll cry. F.P. all married and stuff. *sniff*

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