Retard-O-Matic

Coming home from work tonight I got a nasty surprise. When I opened the front door, something smelled really bad in the house, like warm rot. Awesome. I thought, what in the hell has Dangerous D done now? It didn’t take me long to figure out where the humid stench was coming from.

Walking into the kitchen I saw a large dark grey vegetable dehydrator. Peeking through the lid I could make out hazy outlines of a few whole russet potatoes. Now I don’t know much about dehydrators and correct me if I’m wrong here, but I thought you have to slice items up so they dry out properly in one of those things. Since Dangerous D filled that machine up with whole vegetables they were doing little more than slowly rotting. At least that’s what it smelled like. The whole house stunk and it was bad. I’m going to have to talk to him about this tomorrow. Another discussion. Had to have a chat with Dangerous D yesterday, and the day before that too.

Last night when I got home I pulled into the driveway to find our garage door had been left wide open. That really made me angry. My place isn’t in a bad neighborhood or anything, but I don’t need shit being left unsecured so just anybody can wander in and help themselves. I’ve got a bunch of tools in the garage. If those were swiped because that little dumbshit left the garage door open I’d be tempted to break his neck. Anyway I had to sit down with the jerk and lecture him why we aren’t going to leave the garage door open unattended anymore.

The night before that I came home from work to find he’d left the stove on. One burner was live, Dangerous D had fallen asleep and left it rolling. I yelled at him for that. Christ, I’m feeling like I just adopted a retarded kid with the way this is going around here.

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~ by factorypeasant on March 28, 2006.

13 Responses to “Retard-O-Matic”

  1. Those are gonna be some damn big potato chips.

  2. im surpized that he didnt throw his w33d in there… or his depends undergarments… feh!

  3. that’s hilarious. I’ve had my share of dead shit flatmates. Occasionaly one hits gold but generally I find the flatmate population to be comprised of lost little girls who will end up living with 80 cats in a filth ingfested apartment.
    Damn frenchies.

  4. God damnd that retard gives other retards a bad name. He is dangerous to himself and others and should be put down(moreso than verbaly) for the public good. If you would have let him contiue his little bacteriological experiment in foodlike filth he may have taken care of that for us when he chomped down on one of those moldy potatoes. However it is posable that the vegitable funk may have given him super retard powers, and then we’d all be fucked. So i guess were lucky.

    stay evil bihatch!!

  5. Damnd that retard is a fucking retard. He is a danger to himself and others and should be put down more than verbaly for the public good. Had he been alowed to compleat his experiment in biological warefare he may have taken care of that for us when he chomped into one of those moldy potatoes. On the other hand he my have gained some kind of Super Retard powers, and then we’d all be fucked.

    Stay evil ya greazy bastich!

  6. nascent-

    i know what you mean, man. checked out your link there. as soon as i saw it i laughed my ass off. classic shot.

  7. instead of berating the guy, maybe you should try and talk to him about your quirks. You should know (exspecially since your are a roomate) that people have ideosyncharcies that you may or may not agree with. you also should have mentioned all of this before these problems got out of hand-

    just may 2 scents

  8. hi superstar. i sniff you twice.

    unfortunately in this situation we have to assume that people we are living with are adults. there was no way to predict that Dangerous D would have fallen asleep leaving a burner on the stove live, or that he would leave a garage door open well into the night. these sorts of actions are unacceptable under any circumstances not to mention plain st00pid. anybody with an IQ greater than a hubcap would know this. therefore stipulating from day one that we do not leave a stove burner on while we are asleep is not something rational adults should have to explain to each other now is it?

    the only possible solution: severe beratement on a daily basis. if someone acts like a child you have to treat them like one.

    w0rd.

  9. As long as you keep supplying us with a recounting of the beratements I’m happy 😛

  10. A quick addendum for the rental agreement:

    Lock house when leaving.

    No unattended open-flames.

    No stinky experiments in the kitchen.

    No open-heart surgery in the living room.

    No bed pans in the refrigerator.

    No murdering the neighbors (unless they were asking for it and you’re sure you won’t get caught–see next rule).

    No dead bodies allowed on the property (or under or around or near the property).

    No construction or operation of a meth lab allowed at any time.

    No stuffing used kleenex and toilet paper behind bookshelves.

    No walking around naked except for rubber boots and gloves, a pink tu-tu, and a funny hat, with a face full of shaving cream.

    It really is so important to get this stuff out up front, you know?

  11. The irony is, food dehydrators are pretty cool. Get some beef, cut it in strips, marinade it however you like, and slap it in one of those things and you’ll have the best beef jerky you’ve ever eaten before you know it. Whole potatoes? WTF?

  12. What does, “I sniff you twice” mean?
    TC

  13. it means that an individual with 2 scents gets smelled twice.

    now if we’re talking about 2 cents then that’s two pennies so there’s no sniffing. unless you like the smell of dirty copper. some people’s fetishes… sheesh.

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