Lightwave Interview Part Four

When I was in High School I had a friend that enjoyed messing with people. He took playing head games to a level I had never seen before. My experience here this afternoon reminded me of him. Lightwave managers were wasting my time interviewing, it was pointless. I made up my mind I didn’t want anything to do with Lightwave and I would accept Squirmy’s job offer in Area 51. After I decided Lightwave wasn’t where it was at, I could have simply left the campus and drove to work at the other site. But my High School friend and some of the pranks he pulled on people were stuck in the forefront of my mind. I was angry and disappointed with the way Lightwave handled their interviewing process. They struck me as being clumsy, flawed with bad judgement, and posessed a habit for abusing the company. That’s one hell of a negative first impression. They pissed away my time today. Should I quietly leave or should I stay here a while longer and return the favor? Should I waste their time?

My strange High School pal had a habit of applying for jobs he didn’t want. He enjoyed being called for job interviews just so he could show up and cause extremely uncomfortable situations for employers. For example, if he submitted an application or resume that got through the screening process and he received a call to interview for an open position with a company, he would show up dressed like a homeless man. He wore soiled, ripped up clothing and made certain to smell bad. Or he would appear in suit and tie, but as soon as questioning began he would act as if he was mentally ill.

One of his favorite things to do for an interview was to dress normally, but not bother to brush his teeth for a few days prior to the scheduled interview. He would then show up for his interview with a bottle of Yellow No. 5 food coloring and a white sweat sock in his pockets. He told me he would take a few swigs off the food coloring, swish it around in his mouth to make sure scum on his teeth picked up a bright yellow tinge, then he would spit it out and dab at the corners of his mouth with the sweat sock. During the interview he would occassionally pull the sweat sock out of his pocket and dab at his mouth in plain view of a hiring manager. He smiled frequently to display his bright yellow scummy choppers. I guess he found it interesting or perhaps somehow thrilling to delibrately sabotage job interviews. Honestly, in a way it did sound like fun. Going to a job interview is a stressful thing we all experience at points in our lives. Wouldn’t it be fun to turn the tables on the interviewers for a change? I thought Lightwave might be a good place to try it for myself. I decided to stay and do the panel interview even though I didn’t want the job anymore.

I was directed to a seat at one end of a long conference table. Already present were two overweight older women, and a young man who had bleached blonde hair that was spiked up and very thin. He was going bald. I recognized him as a tech that used to work in Micro, but I couldn’t place his name. To my immediate left there was a gentleman whom I assumed was an engineer. Whether he was an electrical engineer or a mechanical one I didn’t know. The two women had to be assemblers.

Everyone present was fidgeting about in their chairs trying to get comfortable. Before they could do so I opened my big mouth. “So I guess you guys must be pretty worn down from doing all these interviews, aren’t you?” They all kind of laughed and agreed they were tired without saying much. I said, “You guys wanna hear a joke?” Some of them looked at each other indifferently and shrugged their shoulders. I asked them, “How come blind people don’t go skydiving?” None of them uttered a word. A few seconds of silence passed. I yelled at them “Because it scares the shit out of the dog!” Jaws dropped and eyebrows raised. Two of them shook their heads at me in overt disapproval. Nice. Still, no one said anything for a moment so I drove my obnoxiousness further. “Guess none of you Lightwave people have much of a sense of humor. Well, let’s get this show on the road. What do ya wanna know about me?” The expressions on their faces were now gazing upon me with disdain. Maybe they wouldn’t hire me. Oh no! Drat! Curses even!

The panel went through the motions and asked me what was probably their version of scripted questions. At least they were working off of a different script than the one Dingbat Blondie and Tom had been using. My ship was sinking fast with each response I fed to these goofballs. I droned on and on to waste as much of their time as I possibly could. More torpedoes were slamming into the hull of S.S. Factory Peasant with every word that escaped my lips. I was having a blast.

I reached a pinnacle of self sabotage when they asked me a question about engineers. The balding blonde haired technician asked me this question, “If an engineer comes into the production area and tells you to stop what you are working on immediately, and he instructs you to perform the task you were working on with a different undocumented process he has come up with, what do you do?” I knew what they were fishing for. They wanted their employees to bow down to their engineering staff at any and every whim without question. So I gave them the following answer. “Engineers have the responsibility to document any mechanical or electrical change in established procedure and then go through the appropriate management chains to implement that change properly. If an engineer bypasses that process, and recklessly wants to change the way we perform a task at the drop of a hat, it could negatively impact the area. If this is the way you are currently conducting yourselves here in Lightwave, you won’t be in business very long.” Yeah! That pissed ’em off.

Abruptly, my interview ended. I was laughing on the inside while I walked to go meet one of the Lightwave department managers for my final step in their retarded interview process. I had been here since morning. Glancing at a wall clock I noticed it was already past four in the afternoon. If I wasn’t in my production area at the other site by five, I would be late for work.

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~ by factorypeasant on November 1, 2005.

2 Responses to “Lightwave Interview Part Four”

  1. I would have paid the price of admission to see that interview. Nicely done.
    Barley

  2. heh. thanks. i did have a good time with it, you don’t get to turn the tables on people like that often.–>

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