J1 Stories

I knew J1 was a genuine weirdo when I first met him in the Spokane site, but I had no idea how truly screwed up this guy was until I got stuck dealing with him late at night. J1 shows up for Graveyard around 11pm, or midnight to start his shift. I’ve been working so much overtime lately and I start my shift late in the afternoon so I partially overlap into the early Graveyard hours. In the past couple of weeks I have been exposed to the nonstop useless rambling of J1’s mouth. I get the feeling from listening to him every night that he was one of those kids who got beat up a lot in school and tried to make friends by telling lies, instead of just being himself. I’m already so weary of hearing him that I am seriously considering wearing earplugs or bringing in a walkman so I can drown out the sound of his voice. I’m not the only one getting tired of hearing him. Musclehead is about ready to dismantle him limb from limb. I can’t wait to watch the bloodbath. It’s gonna be fun.

The other night Musclehead and Supertech were at the back end of the line and Musclehead was talking about how many DUIs he’s gotten in the last few years. He seems kinda proud of the fact he’s been busted multiple times for driving extremely drunk. He’s an idiot, but anyway all of a sudden J1 busts into their conversation and says something like “I got a DUI.” Musclehead got bright red in the face, yanked the ballcap off his head and threw it on the floor so hard that it made a loud slapping noise. He stayed in his chair and pointed his finger right at J1’s face and practically screamed at him, “Shut the fuck up J1 you ain’t got no DUI!” Then J1 tried to speak again and Musclehead repeated himself, even more forcefully, “Shut the fuck up J1 you ain’t got no DUI! Just shut the fuck up!” From where I was sitting at my bench I could see everything and I was laughing out loud. J1 kept trying to tell his story only to have Musclehead shout him into silence. After a few minutes J1 meekly said to all of us as he was staring at his feet, “You’re right. I never got a DUI.” Now we knew for sure what we suspected for a long time. J1 makes all this crap up about himself hoping that we will like him or something. Pathetic.

So here’s some of the J1 stories we’ve had thrown on us so far:

-J1 got hit in the head with an Abrams tank round. Apparently J1 was in the Army and got out two years ago. He claimed he was hit in the head by the recoil of the M1’s main gun firing and this he says, now gives him seizures. I can believe the seizure part, but most of us are quite certain if he got hit in the head by the recoil of an artillery tube that he would simply be dead. It’s just too fantastic, and idiotic to be true.

-J1 is the only survivor of his Army unit. He’s told us that at a US Army training excercise a few years ago, everyone but himself was killed by live fire artillery rounds while they were on manuvers. Uh, yeah. Right.

-They don’t make condoms big enough for J1’s size. He’s told the women on the line over and over again that they don’t make condoms big enough for him. Slobbering Mouth Kid brought in a wind sock and put it on J1’s tech bench. On the wind sock he wrote “J1’s condom.” That was funny, but it didn’t get him to shut up about it, sadly.

-J1 rescued his current wife from a child kidnapping ring back in New Jersey. Whatever. He also used to be a bouncer at a strip club and a race car driver. Here’s the thing you have to know about this puke and keep in mind. He’s over six feet tall but he’s so scrawny he’d blow away in a light wind. He’s got no muscle, no mass whatsoever. He’s like a balding, blonde haired Ichabod Crane with a huge hook nose and beady little eyes. So do any of us take him seriously when he tells us he was a bouncer or a race car driver? Fuck no. We just laugh at him every time his back is turned on us.

-J1 holds the world’s record for how many times he’s been in the theater to see Star Wars. Um, no. We did the math on how old he is, and we figured out his age would have had to be about three years old when Star Wars first came out. Who in the hell would let a toddler hang out in a movie theater that many times? No one would. He’s chock full of poo.

-He fought the New Jersey mob and exposed their illegal toxic waste dumps, somehow. That’s just too kooky to take seriously. Ever.

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~ by factorypeasant on June 8, 2005.

7 Responses to “J1 Stories”

  1. Those were some of the highlights, but I’ve already forgotten dozens of his other bullshit stories. If you remember some of the crap he told us over the years, go ahead and place the stories in the comments to this here post. I’m sure they’ll make me laugh… and bring back a few memories.

  2. Like the time he explained that he was married to Morgan Fairchild…

    Heh, but seriously, nice posts. Hardcore. And aside from the use of the word sigle once, alot quite a few times, and an unnecessary comma after the first mention of Dung, it’s real tight.

  3. Kludgemeister…
    The only thing I can share is my observation of him
    that he was always sick…red faced and
    sniffling..must have been the runt of the litter…
    Keep bamboozeling
    ed

  4. those are some freakin’ funny j1 stories.I worked with him briefly on the VXsyn npi.

    he was constantly telling tall tales. i know someone who j1 asked to be involved in a

    threesome with his wife. they of course turned him down.

    he told some story of a humvee accident when he was in the military. cant remember the

    details but i am sure it involved j1 saving someone or taking a couple rounds for the team!!!

    bb

  5. hey Wad thanks for the feedback as always. yer like my esteemed copy editor… took the advices to heart and made a few changes. glad yer still readin’ my junk.

  6. NP. I’m kind of a freak this way. I also wanted to thank you again for pointing me to parameters. I use plucker to download it to my palm; then I can catch up on world politics while I’m on the can. I particularly liked this one about the nature of war and this one about what we did in the Philippines about a hundred years ago. This one is good, too, but complicated.

  7. yeah, Parameters is amazing. it’s a window straight into the US military’s think tanks. funny that so few Americans pay attention to it.

    that ‘nature of war’ article was an excellent read, it reinforced some things i’ve been concerned about for many years. one, that an over reliance on technology to dominate a future battle will be our achilles heel. two, that an over reliance on technology will not prepare us for a future war against a cunning adversary. three, that all our past conflicts in recent years were against weaklings which provided us a false sense of power and military prowess. four, the Chinese want us out of their way and have been paying particular attention to our fascination with our reliance on technology to provide us with an edge or as i like to think of it, a crutch.

    the author is brilliant. i’m happy to see some people in the defense sector are thinking clearly. i can only hope the right people in the US military leadership will take heed of warnings like that and make the proper decisions in times of crisis. right now i have little faith in them as a whole, i think they are heading for disaster.

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