Brad Repellent

The only thing I’ve found to keep Brad away from me while we’re working in the Closed Area is to start talking to him about subject matter he finds morally abhorrent. He’s very religious. Nothing else would get him to stop jaw-jacking me to death so I went with stuff that would make him go away and do some work. I start talking about Satan, I sing him Mentors song lyrics, and talk about recent violent crimes against women. It works great, but unfortunately these are the only things that do the trick.

Brad walked up to where I was sitting and parked himself just off my right shoulder and stood there like he always does. He never says anything to get my attention. Instead he is content to wait until I notice him. I pretend he’s not there and make him wait for as long as possible while listening to my walkman. If he was going to talk to me about something work related I wouldn’t leave him standing there like an idiot. But I’ve learned the hard way that all he wants to do is talk about some mindless bit of tech stuff that has nothing to do with our job. Anyway Brad couldn’t help himself after standing there for five minutes straight without my recognizing his presence so he decided to talk about some cell phone format junk without any prompting from me. I stopped what I was doing and swiveled my chair to face him. Then I started singing him a Mentors love song called “Rock ’em Sock ’em” in my best El Duce voice (El Duce is the lead singer and lyrical genius of this incredible band).

“I went out drinkin’, drinkin’ with the boys
I had to do it to get all my joys
I got drunk so high on some booze
Comin home baby to give you a bruise

Rock ’em Sock ’em it’s a gas
Rock ’em Sock ’em gonna kick your ass
Rock ’em Sock ’em it’s a gas
Gonna come home drunk
And kick your big fat ass

Seein’ other guys
With the makeup all over your eyes
I had to learn her the law of the land
I showed her the power of my back hand

Rock ’em Sock ’em it’s a gas
Rock ’em Sock ’em gonna kick your ass
Rock ’em Sock ’em it’s a gas
Gonna come home drunk little woman
And kick your big slutty ass…”

With that, Brad was gone once again. I wish I could think of something that would be permanently Brad-repellent to keep him the fuck out of my hair during the whole shift. I tried everything. I asked him politely to not bother me unless it’s work related numerous times. That didn’t work. Then I got angry and yelled at him about it. That didn’t work either. Talking offensive stuff to him is the only thing that makes him go away. Maybe I should get a squirt gun and when he comes over to bug me I could spray him in the face like people do with a misbehaving dog. Nah. That probably won’t do anything. I should punch him, but I don’t want the hassle with my boss over it. Oh well. I’ll eventually think of something more effective.

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~ by factorypeasant on December 20, 2004.

2 Responses to “Brad Repellent”

  1. Reminds me of a guy (well sort of, the know it all stuff) I worked with in Palo Alto. We called him Mega Watt Ray. He worked the opposite shift from me. He was constantly telling us how he was better than us. How he was too good for this job but he needed the money. One thing though. He never fixed a thing. In fact, everything he touched turned to scrap. It got to the point that if you had a real dog board, you gave it to Ray and the board was scrap the next day. He couldn’t troubleshoot or solder worth a dam and this was with thru hole stuff. Boards would be measled, pads GONE (not just lifted). Heck he would mangle traces. Of course he was better than us and would constantly tell us so. I think he was the one that told me I was a bad christian trying to rile me or something. I just thanked him. Like your Brad, ignoring him did no good. It’s amazing how many idiots sneak through the cracks. JP

  2. Hey JP!

    It is amazing how some of those people get through the screening interviews and tests, isn’t it? I don’t remember if I ever told you about “The Butcher” before. He was a guy up in the Spokane division (good old SKD) that was supposed to be a technician but man you should have seen his through hole PC board reworks. They were so bad none of the components he touched were set flush to the surface of the board. They were all jacked up and cockeyed and shit. He never trimmed the leads on the circuit side of the boards so they would make contact with the metal casings enclosing the board and short out. Every fucking time. He was also a militia kook… but I’ll get into that soon. Don’t want to spoil anything.

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