The Drunk Lady in the side apartment has been feeding what’s essentially a stray cat for a long time now. It’s a cute looking Calico that is friendly enough to everyone. Drunk Lady usually has an old pie tin out on her front doorsteps loaded with dry cat food for it. That’s about all she can do for a pet since she can’t even take care of herself.

I was fiddling around in the back yard and heard a bunch of meowing behind one of our cars. It was in the corner near the garage. It seemed unusual so I walked over to where all the racket was coming from and on the ground right up against the fence was the stray Calico and a whole litter of kittens. They looked really cute. I got close enough to pet one of them and discovered all the kittens were covered head to tail in fleas. They were being eaten alive. I felt really bad for them and I put two of them in a box and brought them across town to my parent’s house. Mom and Dad already had two cats, one named Basil that my younger sister left behind when she moved, and a really old black one we had since we were kids. I figured my folks might like to have two of these pretty Calico cats and I knew they would take good care of them. Sure enough my parents wanted both cats and they got them to the vet right away to have them fixed up. I felt like I did a good thing.

Drunk Lady’s Woman-Beating Man stopped me as I was leaving the house a few days after I donated two of the kittens to my parents. I had asked them about the kittens earlier in the week so they knew I was interested in them. They noticed two kittens went missing. White Trash Man suspected I had something to do with the disappearance of the kittens and wanted to brawl me about it in the driveway. He wanted it to come to blows over kittens and he was trying to get me to take a swing at him. The guy is definetly not a rocket scientist so I did a verbal tap-dance on him. He didn’t know what to do or say when I was finished out-thinking him so he got in his orange white trash four wheel drive pickup and left. He’s not supposed to park back there anyway and we’ve almost had fist fights over the parking situation behind the house many times. Fucker. I decided I had enough of both of these nitwits and made a phone call to the Propety Manager.

Our Property Manager was friends with Drunk Lady in high school. She let Drunk Lady move in because she felt sorry for her, and the Property Manager has been made very aware of all the times we’ve had to call the cops on the White Trash guy because he’s been beating Drunk Lady to within an inch of her life. I told the Property Manager about this latest incident involving “allegedly” (hehe) stolen kittens and I asked her to get rid of Drunk Lady once and for all. She was hesitant at first but finally agreed it would be better for everyone. She wrote up the papers and mailed them out already. Drunk Lady got her notice and has no clue what happened. We have plans for that side apartment. Oh how we have plans! As soon as she’s out of there we are going to move in Leaky Pete. With Leaky Pete here we will have complete control of the entire house. This is going to be cool shit. Just because I stole two kittens our whole living situation here at B Street is going to change for the better. Life sure is funny sometimes.


~ by factorypeasant on December 13, 2004.

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