The FSO Is A Comedian

Well who would have known? John the Facility Security Officer actually has a pretty sharp (and twisted) sense of humor. Part of John’s job is to send all of us employees monthly security training and he does this by sending us all “Security Awareness” memos. Near the top of the page every memo we get has a faceless, beady-eyed figure with a Spy Vs. Spy hat drawn over his head. It’s supposed to be John I guess. The holidays have already come and gone, but I liked his December edition so much that I keep reading it. Really cracks me up. Here’s what he sent us that month:

Hey! It’s that season again. You know, Jack Frost nipping at your nose time (ever since Jack saw “Interview With A Vampire” he’s been trying to imitate Tom Cruise. Unfortunately he has a vision problem so all he gets is a mouth full of nose??!!). Okay… Okay… forget the nose-nipping, let’s concentrate on something like merry-making. Now, there’s something everyone can get into because it definetly goes with the season, especially if you are going to be NIPPING at the bottle. However, if you do that plan on NOT driving. Designated drivers are “in” this year.

Alright already, let’s try something else like gift giving. Now that is definetly in full swing. Packages coming and going. And that’s a happenin’ scene particularly the packages-a-coming part. Unfortunately not ALL incoming packages bring joy and excitement. If you are not attentive to what kind of mail you are receiving you could definetly experience the EXCITEMENT part of it. I am referring to the recent events involving mail bombs. Yeah! Happy Holidays! It is a truly sad state of affairs, but nonetheless, it is real life. So, to help ensure that your holidays will be happy, I want to share some information which will help keep you from becoming a mail-bomb victim.

If you receive a suspicious looking package that exhibits any of the following indicators- do NOT open or tamper with it. If possible, place it on a table near an open window or a similar location; then notify the Security Officer and your supervisor immediately. Do not attempt to move it again. If you are alone or at home, follow the same scenario, but notify your local law enforcement agency. Again- after you set the letter or package down- do not attempt to move it- and… oh yes, leave the room.

No return address or fictitious return address, mailed from foreign country or postmark differs from return address, excessive postage, address uses misspelled words with person’s title rather than full name, badly typed or written, rigid or bulky envelope, lopsided or uneven envelope.

Buzzing, sloshing or strange odor. Excessive weight, oily stains on wrapper. Protruding wires or aluminum foil which would complete an electrical circuit and detonate explosives when package is opened. Excessive securing material such as masking tape, string, etc.

Granted, some of the Christmas packages left by the older, chubby red-nosed guy dressed red (No, not the boss) might resemble the above description, you can probably get by without calling the local bomb squad (even though the gift in question might “bomb” with you- Ho! Ho! Ho! a pun- in case you didn’t recognize it). So enjoy YOUR gift giving, the season and Happy Holidays to you.

~ by factorypeasant on November 26, 2004.

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